Friday, February 02, 2007

Muscle Ranch!

Starring: Ed Dinakos, Jake Tanner, Wayne Mills
Directed by Randy Buck
63 Minutes

It's the simple pleasures that make life worth living as evidenced by the first scenes in Muscle Ranch! A lonely Ed Dinakos opens his remote Wild West mailbox and receives a letter from Jake Tanner in response to an ad for a ranch hand. So excited, Ed is, to be getting some help around the house that he starts to fondle himself through his overalls RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE MAILBOX! (If we all did this on a regular basis, we'd think a bit differently about bills and credit card offers...) To keep himself occupied before Jake's arrival, Ed pops in his new muscle video (also in the mailbox), entitled Man Made. This play within the play stars Wayne Mills as a garden sculpture come to life (suddenly, miraculously, and for no apparent reason). He has a Narcissus moment by the pool before testing out his new garden weasel. Wayne is blond and buff and flexes for Jake, who is dark and buff, and the two come together (so to speak). This sequence is so "meta," and the stroking and self-love so well choreographed, that it could have been directed by M.C. Escher himself. Ed stares longingly at the picture of Jake that was included with his résumé ("Qualifications: MBA, Wharton School of Economics; Muscles...") and the scene blossoms into a full-on circle jerk. Everyone shoots (and scores!) and Will returns to his pedestal flashing a Mentos smile at the camera before Ed switches off the TV and waits for the real Jake to ring his rural bell. The next day, Ed makes coffee, watches the clock, and strokes his cock through his skin-tight jeans. Jake drops his bag in the dust upon arrival, embarks on a strange internal monologue while fidgeting with his cowboy hat, and strokes his cock through his skin-tight jeans. Then he stretches out on a bench with his belt unbuckled and the aforementioned jeans unbuttoned and waits for his first assignment at Muscle Ranch(!) Ed looks to be a great employer and proceeds to lick the snakeskin off of Jake's boots upon finding his new charge lying in the sun, half-naked and asleep. Ed then runs his tongue through the hair of Jake's armpit before they finally lock lips and Jake's weather vane points due North. It appears that there's really nothing to be done on the ranch except fuck around as Ed disappears down Jake's eager throat. Oh, wait! There's Jake working on the tractor in that hat that looks like the one worn by Quentin Crisp. (Except that I don't think Quentin worked on tractors and simultaneously stroked himself through his skin-tight jeans.) Ed lends his assistance by burying his face in Jake's ass and, well, that tractor's not going anywhere for a while! Employer and employee then frolic in the open air with a can of Budweiser as Ed laps beer off of each and every one of Ed's two thousand parts. They cum in the sun and then take a beer bath together(?) Then, to further the absurdist theme, the two recline underneath a tree together and deliver their closing lines WITHOUT MOVING THEIR LIPS. If you're looking for macho Dada with a twist of ventriloquism, then Muscle Ranch! is definitely for you because they don't raise anything on this farm except for sex and biceps. The only complaint that I have about this fine, fine film is the distinct lack of penetration. All of that ass put out to pasture before its time brought a tear to my eye...